"Great" Openings IV.V (homebrew edition)

Having enthusiastically quoted actual real writers' work several times in this series, I thought I'd give it a try on my own. Here goes:

Most people put their best foot forward, or at least try to, when they go out on a first date.

Not me.

When I meet a girl for the first time, I show up unshaven, in tattered clothes, not having showered for three or four days, and farting. That way, I figure if the girl still talks to me, she's probably a keeper.

Hmmm.

On second thought, I suppose I'd better keep my day job. That whole "humor writing" thing is apparently much harder than it looks.